Ciao a tutti!
Will you do me a solid & completely ignore the fact that it’s been a hot minute since my last post?
Thank you! I knew I could count on you. ;)
Those of you who follow me on instagram or facebook know I’m still alive & kickin. If you’ve only been following my blog, then it might appear as though I’ve fallen off the face of the earth. Truth be told, life feels like it’s been in a constant state of evolution ever since moving into our new house, Maxine, back in March 2015.
Life’s funny that way. It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day & lose sight of goals along the way. Blogging has always been one of my goals. Well, at the core of it, writing is the true goal.
What’s also funny is that, for us, our day-to-day over the last two & a half years included massively renovating the interior of our home & having our first baby! Clearly, these are awesome things we’ve accomplished.
Perhaps what I can take away from those “day-to-day” accomplishments is that they didn’t happen overnight… or even over the course of several nights. I mean, that baby took 40 weeks to cook!…and a lotta work to bring into the world. What makes me think I can accomplish the vague notion of blogging with a few good intentions? So much time, energy, & focus are required to formulate good ideas, good content, good photos, good taglines, good ALLLLLLL. And if I’m allowing myself a little bit of grace, I have to remember that babies take a lot of time, energy, & focus. If I don’t have as much of those to spend on other goals, it’s to be expected I might fall short in other areas.
Okay, real talk. I don’t like that I just wrote “fall short.” But it’s the only way to express what I’m actually feeling. I think it’s really easy to feel inadequate in some area of your life once you become a mother — whether it’s being a wife, a friend, an employee, family member, citizen, neighbor. Man, I’ve even felt like an inadequate mom at times!
There’s something so enlightening yet disrupting about becoming a mom. In a way, it feels like I have to reinvent parts of myself in order to provide my little guy with the best parenting I can at that time in my life. And I guess that’s what it means to become a parent — life as I once knew it has changed because we brought a cute, little, squishy baby into the world who needs every bit of me, and preferably as my best self.
Talk about pressure. Haha okay, sure, I might be overemphasizing my parenting. It can feel like such a big job that it’s all too easy to make myself feel like I’m not doing enough or that I have to sacrifice even more. It’s so important for me to do my best at teaching my baby to be a good person with a kind heart. I want him to be loving, fun, strong-willed, passionate, brave, determined, thoughtful, intentional, open-minded, cultivated, and helpful — even when it’s inconvenient.
And I know his first lesson in these areas is me.
But there’s something else I want to teach him. I want him to learn be gracious to himself and not too hard on himself when he fails. I don’t ever want him to quit. I want him to keep trying. Because it’s okay when we have moments of not being our best self. I don’t need to tell you this, but it happens to everyone. If we are constantly judging ourselves because of times where we acted inappropriately rather than just focusing on improving ourselves for the future, we’re in for a world of hurt and bad self-talk.
I’m guilty of the occasional bad self-talk. And so, herein lies one part of myself I need to reinvent in order to better teach my son through example. It’s healthy to see what needs improving, but unhealthy to tell myself I’m not good enough because of x, y, and z. Sh!t happens. The best thing I can do is learn from it and move on. Dwelling on my pitfalls ensures only one thing: no improvement, no advancement, no forward movement.
Focus on what you want rather than what you don’t want. Because whatever we give our energy to is our ultimate ruler.
While I was pregnant, I had these images of myself and what it could look like to stay home with my baby. I was working at the time and, while on maternity leave, made the decision to stay home with the babe for as long as possible (finances permitting). I imagined myself keeping the house clean, staying on top of the budget, making healthy meals, working out to get back to pre-baby shape, creating content for this very blog in order to post something weekly, playing with Wendy (our pup), all while savoring the moments with my baby and cultivating a nurturing environment for him. Basically, I thought I’d be supermom and it’d be a friggin breeze.
Au contraire. What it truly looks like is:
changing lots of diapers, doing lots of laundry that takes days to actually put away, nursing, pumping, washing bottles and pump parts, “sleeping while the baby sleeps”, oh yeah eating something because i have to keep my milk supply up, oh yeah i should brush my teeth, should i brush my hair or should i just put it into a #mombun again and hope it isn’t a complete rat’s nest by the time i do brush it?, changing my shirt because i’ve been wearing this one for two days, oh man i guess i should wash my face, okay wait i should relax right?, yeah i should relax because baby is sleeping, resting and rejuvenating myself so i can crush it as soon as baby wakes up, hearing a bit of crying and hoping the baby just falls back to sleep… dang, okay he didn’t, feeding baby, changing baby, playing with baby, oh i should finish the dishes, can you play on the floor for a couple minutes baby?, putting away some dishes, baby starts fussing, playing with baby, i’ll finish those dishes later, baby’s calm and playing, oh my goodness i should eat something!, making food, baby fusses, feeding baby, eating my food…
Anyway, you get the point and that went on way too long. The point is: time is not what it used to be.
The transformation of how we experience time throughout our lives is trippy. When I was little, the minutes seemed to just ddddrrrrraaaaaagggggg on. Now, in my late 20’s, three hours goes by in a snap…even if I’m doing something I don’t particularly enjoy (Here’s lookin at you, laundry and dishes, you sons of b!tches. Sorry for the language. Couldn’t resist that rhyming opportunity. P.S. Can I be real with you and tell you I’d so hire someone to do my laundry and dishes…and food prep…and grocery shopping. Oh man, and someone to clean the kitchen, since they’re already doing the dishes, anyway, am I right!…and bathrooms are a must. Wow. You can say it, I’m living in a dream world where someone cleans up my messes for me haha. Oh my, what a life that would be!).
Okay, I digress. MomBrain is a terrible reality. If anyone has any tips/tricks they’ve picked up along their mothering way to keep their brain function intact, drop me a line. And I’ll love you for always.
Time with a baby is so mystical. An entire day will pass and I’ll try to think back on what even happened. I almost won’t be able to tell you very many specifics. I’m finding ever more that I need to structure my time because there are no longer external entities placing that structure on me, i.e. an employer. Some structure is way more beneficial to my brain than I ever realized. It allows me to section my day into productive parts rather than a
mishmash of whatever happens, happens. I always thought I’d be able to accomplish a ton being home with a baby. I thought I’d be blogging alllll the time, with killer content, beautiful photos, the usual. But really, it takes me weeks to remember “oh hey, I should focus on writing!” Then the thought falls right out of my brain, into a trash can, and lays there dying as I go about my daily life.
And I’m really wondering if there’s adult onset ADHD because I’ve gotta have it. Millions of ideas enter my conscience one second and exit stage left the next second. It’s gotten so bad that I have to leave visual cues throughout the house to remind myself to do certain things. I only realized this recently as I started noticing little piles of items in different areas I typically am throughout the day. To chalk it all up to laziness is just too easy an explanation. ;)
Man, sorry for the abrupt ending to this babble-fest, but a baby’s screaming behind me and I have to go find his mom! HAHAHA, oh, that’s me!
Enjoy your week, famiglia!